Host Resolution - 80th Annual Meeting, University of New Hampshire, Durham, New Hampshire

WHEREAS, the 80th annual meeting of the American Society of Mammalogists was held at the University of New Hampshire, Durham, NH, on 17-21 June 2000; and

WHEREAS, the American Society of Mammalogists, in its search for state universities without air-conditioned dorms and no airport within 50 miles, used the University of New Hampshire as a model system; and

WHEREAS, we're not saying that Durham is small, but a global positioning system is required to locate the pizza parlor, washateria, and parking lot that make up the business district; and

WHEREAS, the hot pink of the local signs affirmed the passion that mammalogists have for their profession; and

WHEREAS, the Reserve Fund of the Society now exceeds $2,000,000, new members have requested that the next workshop on how to get the most out of your ASM membership include stock tips from financial gurus Yates, Anderson, and Choate; and

WHEREAS, Jay Storz told of megabat family life and infidelity under the tent; Christy McCain explained why wide-ranging species have the centers of their ranges in the middle of large land masses; Karen Stone explained that the commuter traffic of martens across the Bering Strait was less than hypothesized; and Kathleen LoGuidice identified the members of the Evil Quartet of Extinction. However we all thought that the Evil Quartet was Bruce Patterson, Terry Yates, Hugh Genoways, and Tom Kunz; and

WHEREAS, rumor has it that Phil Meyers has successfully negotiated with the Historian and Archivist (Hugh Genoways and Al Gardner) to obtain the cleaned skull of outgoing President Jim Reichman for use as a spinning skull on the Animal Diversity Web Page. Reichman was chosen to ensure that the file size will be kept well below a megabyte; and

WHEREAS, Carl Phillips taught us that slobber and spit are the meaning of life. His research in Texas documented that mixing chewing tobacco with slobber is an effective premating isolating mechanism; and

WHEREAS, Chris Hice was advised that killing her major advisor is not "How to Get the Most out of her ASM Membership;" and

WHEREAS, the machines dispensing individual multi-flavored cups of coffee were a real touch of class, too bad the effective output was only 2 cups per hour; and

WHEREAS, the Society understands that because the University of New Hampshire is so far from the Tropics, conservation of coffee is a concern. However, isn't it taking matters to extremes when the coffee arrives 10 minutes after the break is over?; and

WHEREAS, President Reichman played 2 major roles at the 80th Annual Meeting: first--comedian, and second--President. He did an excellent job at one of these; and

WHEREAS, the Board of Directors calculated that President Reichman's annual salary is 425.7321 times the annual dues of the Society; and

WHEREAS, the membership finally finished (we hope) sequencing the cytochrome b gene for all species of mammals. The resulting gene tree confirms that Osgood, True, Hooper, Miller, Thomas, Allen, Merriam, Koopman, and Simpson either had remarkable evolutionary insight or secretly owned a DNA sequencer; and

WHEREAS, the Society reaffirmed its commitment to conservation issues by using miniscule pieces of paper as ballots to save trees and reduce waste. As further evidence of conservation, the Board of Directors approved recycling the back side of the used ballots to print the cytochrome b gene tree of all mammal species; and

WHEREAS, the Local Committee prepared an incredible IQ test for the meetings. Test sections included upside-down campus maps, random distribution of front- and rear-screen projection systems for sessions, multidirectional laser pointers and poltergeist lighting systems, and maps to the picnic in which north equaled south and west equaled east. Needless to say, there were no perfect scores. Go figure; and

WHEREAS, we wonder: What is the probability that 400 mammalogists would willingly be eating hamburgers and hot dogs while looking at thousands of lobster pots?; and

WHEREAS, the Board used the fantasy budget constructed by President-elect Tom Kunz as a trial by fire rite of passage to the governance of the Society; and

WHEREAS, who wakes up all those birds at 4 AM?; and

WHEREAS, the Resolutions Committee protests the fact that the dorm showers worked and weren't too short, leaving the Committee nothing to work with, which just goes to show that in New Hampshire you can't take anything for granite; and

WHEREAS, the Society initiated an Undergraduate Research Award, an ASM Graduate Fellowship, a new Web site, a commercial publication relationship with Allen Press, and made the Gordie Kirkland Run an official event; and

WHEREAS, Thor Holmes, with the aid of Jean Cassels' art and some rare book donations, set a new auction record for the Future Mammalogists Fund; and

WHEREAS, we missed our Past President Elmer Birney; and

WHEREAS, we enjoyed a wonderful meeting on a pristine campus filled with an abundance of trees and animal life, including birds, mosquitoes, Sylvilagus, Marmota, Sciurus, Tamias, Tamiasciurus, and Vulpes; and

WHEREAS, the mountain laurel in bloom, the forest stream under the bridge, the New England coastline and lighthouse view, and the delicious lobster banquet all added to the pleasure of a wonderful meeting;

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED, that the American Society of Mammalogists expresses thanks to the University of New Hampshire and to John Litvaitis, Dorrie McClintock, and the Local Committee, for a wonderful and productive meeting.