Host Resolution - 86th Annual Meeting, University of Massachusetts Amherts, Amherst, Massachusetts

WHEREAS, the 86th Annual Meeting of the American Society of Mammalogists was held at the University of Massachusetts Amherst, Amherst, Massachusetts, 18-21 June 2006; and

WHEREAS, the Resolutions Committee recommends the acceptance of the following motion; and

WHEREAS, at the Saturday night mixer, the Society was charged excessive rates for water and wine but the beer was free resulting in a new record for consumption of beer on campus but was below usual levels consumed at ASM meetings; and

WHEREAS, Past President Hugh Genoways continues to demand that the Society publish the 1600 pages authorized by the Board; in an effort to fill this need the Resolutions Committee will provide a J. A. Allen Memorial Monograph sized Host Resolution for which we will gladly except $100 per page for beer money and we guarantee it won't be a money maker; and

WHEREAS, the Society has a hypothesis on why there is a world-wide shortage of concrete and our scientific experiments document that concrete walls are exceptionally efficient at conducting sound; and

WHEREAS, the Society was aesthetically stimulated by the concrete colored mini-cafeteria trays constructed with recycled egg cartons and designed in a concrete motif; and

WHEREAS, paraphyly and rapid speciation associated with a niche shift was observed in the locally abundant and newly recognized "cryptic concrete colored" ground squirrel, Geosciurus concretensis; and

WHEREAS, Bob Timm demonstrated his ability to develop a budget using Excel but still can't grasp that Excel will add the numbers for you; and

WHEREAS, in an effort to increase graduate student involvement, the trustees have profited from a portfolio that includes iPod stock; and

WHEREAS, the Society suspects that the trustees might have had a role in the $75 fee for late PowerPoint submissions; and

WHEREAS, that no-tax-but-spend-plenty liberal (aka neorepublican) Hugh Genoways finally led an assault on the bloated Reserve Fund and Bob Timm's budget; and

WHEREAS, after the Board spent $149,000 from the Reserve Fund, the Society noted an inordinate interest by trustee members in participating in the Host Resolution; and

WHEREAS, signs directing Mammalogists here and there were placed strategically to hide the fact that half the campus is for sale or rent; and

WHEREAS, there was a sign on the wall at the registration desk identifying ASM as the Science Fiction Society; and

WHEREAS, the Society has never seen such a diverse array of signs; Jehovah Witness signs for the religiously minded and for sale signs for the trustees, all directing us towards conference registration; and

WHEREAS, when we finally found the dorms, they were for sale or rent; and

WHEREAS, we appreciate the local committee providing highly effective, early morning, gentle wake-up calls using jackhammers, chainsaws, and backup beeping; and

WHEREAS, Society members who stayed in the University of Massachusetts dorms took showers without soap; let it be resolved that the University Trustees would do well to instruct their bottled water company to add soap to their product line; and

WHEREAS, the difficulties experienced by a pregnant Neotoma squeezing into a Sherman trap and then trying to close the door was vividly demonstrated to mammalogists using the restroom stalls in the Leach Residence Hall; and

WHEREAS, the only things thinner than the dormitory toilet paper were the sheets; and

WHEREAS, even the rain shower at the picnic was interrupted when someone at the UMass dorms flushed a toilet; and

WHEREAS, we look forward to going to New Mexico next year to escape the heat; and

WHEREAS, Journal Editors created a new game of musical chairs; the game usually results in the reduction of chairs and players; however, in the Journal Editor's version of the game, the number of chairs and players increases with each turn; and

WHEREAS, the pattern of session attendance followed Murphy's Law in that those sessions with the largest attendance were in the smallest rooms; and

WHEREAS, after debating a resolution concerning the overexploitation of Earth's limited resources we retired to a lunch served entirely on disposable materials; and

WHEREAS, in an effort to retain the office of President for two more years, President Cameron kept calling election results ties; and

WHEREAS, the organizing committee created a new mammal for its logo, Przewalski's moose or a hoose (Equis alces); and

WHEREAS, given the number of pregnant women at the meeting, we recommend the Board developa new category of joint membership to be funded by the Future Mammalogists Fund; and

WHEREAS, Sergio Solari, leader of a strong and growing Latin American contingent, concluded that you cannot judge a short-tailed possum by its cover; and

WHEREAS, Jake Goheen taught us that homed herbivores controlled thorned acacias; and

WHEREAS, we always suspected that Winston Smith was squirrelly but now are sure; and

WHEREAS, Tom O'Shea and Dan Odell gave us a whale of a symposium that wasn't a fluke; and

WHEREAS, Kay Holekamp nominated a female hyena for the Grinnell Award; and

WHEREAS, Mark Hafner showed us how the Hafner Brothers entered mammalogy and how good teaching is even more contagious than hanta virus; and

WHEREAS, the Society is looking forward to Jim Brown being enthusiastically right and wrong again; and

WHEREAS, the society recognized the contributions of Betty Homer on her 90th birthday by electing female vice president, president-elect, Merriam Award winner, recording secretary, and three board members-we have come a long way Betty, thank you; and

WHEREAS, mammalogists enjoyed the clams, lobster, corn, burgers, and free beer at the picnic, Monkey Bar, Amherst College Museum with Irish elk, Smilodon, magnificent mineral collection and fond memories of David Klingener, precise and efficient sessions, adjacent venues, perpetual brownies, and hoose travel mug;

THEREFORE, Be It Resolved that the American Society of Mammalogists expresses heartfelt thanks to Betsy Dumont and Ginny Hayssen and the entire Local Committee at the University of Massachusetts Amherst and Smith College for a wonderful, stimulating, productive, and memorable meeting.